Ray, I have come home to be near you. To rest beside you when my time comes in the glory of the desert where we met 30 years ago. On my birthday, January 25th, 2017, he walked for me for me. He was recovering from a massive surgery and doing very well. Until infection got him – and not in the V.A. but the outsourced Medicare Rehabilitation Center.
I was nearly arrested because they would not let me in to see him despite my right as his wife. They locked down the facility and left me, an oncology patient, in the pouring rain. I wish they had let me in. I’d have caught that damned infection and we would be resting together. Life without him is still agony. It’s less agony as time goes on, but to lose him was losing the only human in my life who literally STOOD for and with me.
“NO MATTER WHAT”
It was his motto, this brave warrior dead before despotic world leaders pretend who did not serve their nation in Vietnam much less spend the rest of a damaged life medically caring for the rural poor, serving Native American reservations and the homeless even when Ray himself was homeless.
My mother was also battling Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Stubborn me went to work when I was already deemed beyond medical improvement with 2 medical diseases expected to end in death. I tried to save them all, and I couldn’t. I spiraled into such hell and it only got worse as my mother’s illness and death followed on the very day of the Las Vegas Mass Shooting.
She and I were both betrayed deeply by her partner, whom I believe is guilty of negligent homicide. He had a secret girlfriend. My mother could not walk or drive. She never drank alcohol yet somehow bottles of Vodka walked up the hill. He and I were engaged in a brutal war because I knew he was up to no good but he fought my being in their 6,000 ft mansion despite my mother’s insistence.
I thought I was being ethical and respecting his boundaries. I asked her to speak with him. In the end, he told me he would take care of me and left me to die and rolled all of the kids insurance money into the trust he controls. When I asked for help, he told me I was a worthless lying loser and wanted to steal from him. And that the Chinese were hacking his brain.
When Ray died, that false human’s comment to me was “Oh well, that’s the way it goes.” He was of age but never served in Vietnam either because he was in University and never drafted.
I failed them all because I thought they shared a greater ethic. I truly believed we were a strong, loving family. I made the biggest mistakes of my life.
Ray stood up and walked on my birthday in 2017. He died less than two weeks later. I was on medical leave from Vivaldi Browser. They sent beautiful flowers in his memory and two days later fired me while on medical leave as his body was being lowered into the sacred earth. And accused me of setting all this up just to socially engineer a lawsuit.
Talk about unfit.
I own my failures. I will regret them for the rest of my life. Yet people still see me as insane when the legally measured reality is that I am not. I have endured a lifetime of traumas now deemed by the World Health Organization (but not the DSM-V) as Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) along with two of the most deadly and rare oncohematalogic diseases a human can have.
I may be a widow but I remain married and true to the one flesh and blood human in my immediate life who showed me the real meaning of love, and it ain’t just the failings I must and will own and somehow find a modicum of peace.
Not one perpetrator of people who left shit at my door has ever owned or attempted amends.Talk about unwell.To all who knew and loved Sgt. Ronald Raymond Poore, decorated Navy Corpsman who died from Agent Orange disease despite being the strongest man with the most desire to stay alive in our rarest of happy marriages and modest, honest life, thank you for honoring a man who never expected a thing from anyone, even love.
For those who dismissed and denied his dignity, Karma is truly a bitch, as I clearly have learned.
I miss you every moment of every day of my life, dear husband. And I am working to ensure that we will rest together in peace when the time comes.
Tea for three
You and me
and a kitty named Honey